Monday, February 14, 2011


My name has become like a cruel brand – burned onto my person ever reminding me I will never be able to give my father the one thing he wanted most from me.  He has said on many occasions with great conviction that he does not care who I marry or where I work so long as I am a Christian. He best expressed this expectation when he named me because Kristina means “follower of Christ.” Ever striving to make my father proud, I fulfilled this desire with ease – attending church faithfully, ascribing to evangelical dogma, and pursing vocational ministry. All of this made my father proud, and with his pride came a steadfast assurance of his affections.  He once told me he interpreted my dedication to Christianity as a sort of redemption of his failures.  This statement initially strengthened my resolve to follow Christ but ultimately it has come to haunt me.

Over the past few years I have become disillusioned; my faith has completely dissolved and with it my confidence in my father’s love for me.  I see him look at me with worry and disappointment, but he is more disappointed in himself than he is in me; the daughter who was meant to redeem him is now his greatest failure.  This devastates me.  My father has many wounds which have caused him to be distant and critical; I have always forgiven him for the pain he has caused me because I believed I could be the person he wished he had been.  I should have been a salve but now I fear I am the greatest wound of all. My father will always have my love and forgiveness, but I struggle to forgive myself for turning what he hoped would be a legacy into a lie – my name is a cruel brand.


  1. I know it isnt Kristina but there are different places and meanings. who really knows what our names mean other than what the person bearing it makes it out to be.

    Gender: Feminine
    Usage: English, German, Scandinavian, Dutch
    Pronounced: kris-TEEN-ə (English), kris-TEE-nah (German, Dutch) [key]
    From Christiana, the Latin feminine form of CHRISTIAN. This was the name of an early, possibly legendary, saint who was tormented by her pagan father. It was also borne by a 17th-century Swedish queen and patron the arts who gave up her crown in order to become a Roman Catholic.

  2. I am so sorry for your pain and I would bear it for you if I could. Grieving has many steps, and unfortunately you must go through them on your own. I will pray with all my heart for your relief to come as soon as possible.

    You are a certainly not perfect - like me - :D, but you are a wonderful, loving, and caring young woman with so very much to offer. Please Lord, let her pain lessen each and everyday.

    Jesus loves you and so do I.

    Jimmi Temple

  3. Kristina-

    I'm sorry you feel your name labels you to be branded as unaccomplished in your father's eyes. A father's love for a child isn't based solely on what they want for you or had hoped for you. Your an individual and correct me if i'm wrong. No matter if you were a doctor, a lawyer or wanted to collect ants and bees for a living your father will always love you. Of course he does not completely understand all the decisions that you make because he is not you. You have your own set of beliefs, goals and values which makes you unique and special.

    My hope is that you don't put yourself down about the these feelings. Understand your an amazing person and hold true to what you believe. That is the glorious part about being American, the right to freedom and make choices on your own.

    Kristina, you didn't let down your father. He is letting you down by not standing by your side in all decisions you make. Don't let this effect you. Hold your head up high and hold true to what you feel inside. Your father will realize how much it means to you. Like when you were little and wanted the barbie in the store with all you had your cried until you got it. Well, this holds the same concept. He'll come around. I love you, and your amazing!

    -Brian (STL)